Post natal depression

I showed mild symptoms of post natal depression during my two months maternity...

Firstly, I thought and expected things to be easier and better as I am not a first-time mummy. But things turn out the other way round. My girl was not an easy baby! She was a colic baby + oral thrush,  she didn't sleep and drink well. She cried a lot, and nothing seems to be able to soothe or calm her down.

Secondly, I was very concern on how Jayden feels about the new arrival. I felt guilty for spending less time with him, cutting down story-telling time and not paying much attention on him. And the more I thought of him, the more I felt bad and sad.

Finally, I always wonder why things go wrong and couldn't accept the fact that things would go wrong. I got very upset when things didn't reach my expectation. I became impatience and moody. I could be very positive at a moment and suddenly became very down and cried the next minute. Deep in my heart, I knew something is not right!

Jo noticed my changes too. He spoke to me one day about post natal depression symptoms, and I could feel how worry he was. I knew I have to do something for myself and the family. Instead of staying at home alone with the baby, I chose to spend more time with my mum when Jo is working. I called and talked to friends, and tried to think positive and be cheerful... Still I felt upset when things didn't reach my expectation, but I managed to pull myself back from having a lot of stupid thinkings and viewed things more from a positive angle. I must say thank you to my family and friends who have helped me!

Looking back at my two months maternity, I went through many sleepless nights when Tze Ee mixed up day and night, I went through non-stop crying hours when she was having colic and uncomfortable, I went through exciting feeding time when she was having oral thrush and didn't drink properly... But I also witnessed the first time she acknowledged my existence and traced my hand movement, I witnessed the first time she 'talked' and responded to my voice, and I witnessed the first time she smiles and giggles. I was  having a tough time with her but also the best time. I must say taking care of her is challenging yet enjoyable.

Today is my sixth day at work after two months maternity leave and I am a happy working mummy. My boy still demands my attention and my girl still cries, but I manage to get my old self back and be optimistic on things. Me and my kids have adjusted ourselves to new timing and daily routines. I make sure I reach home on time to change Tze Ee into sleeping wear, that's the best time I can massage her and play with her. And I make sure I have time for Jayden, talk to him and hug him. I feel I start to enjoy my life once again, a new life with a new live in the family...

To any first-time mothers or mothers, 

Do not expect everything to be easy or better. Just remember, our baby won't be cranky or difficult all the time. They will grow up and it is just a process that we, as a mother, need to go through. Crying is the only way our baby can communicate with us, so it is a way they talk to us. Baby is the gift from god for our marriage. Everything is going to be fine. Just take a step at a time... No one expect you to be a superwoman or 100% mother. Don't over worry on small things, be happy!

Our daughter | Teoh Tze Ee 张子瑜

On 18th September 2012, we welcomed our girl Teoh Tze Ee 张子瑜 to the family...

Her name, Tze Ee, is not the name from us. We came out a few names but none of it suits her well after we consulted a 'name-professional'. And to maintain the same 'Tze' in the middle (same as her brother), we picked not the best but the second best name for her.

Since then, Jayden calls out loud 'Tze Ee ah... Tze Ee ah...' whenever he wants to talk to his sister. And he came out a nick name for his sister - 'Wa Wa Tze Ee' (哇哇子瑜) because Tze Ee doesn't talk but cries. I think he needs time to understand that crying is the only way for his sister to express her feeling until she learns to talk.

I'm happy that Jayden loves his sister and shows very little signs of jealousy. He will kiss her tenderly, although sometimes his touch to her is still a bit rough. He also becomes a little helper at home, although he sometimes refuses to be when he wants to play his toys. Generally, I think he is a lovely and tender brother.

Few minutes out from the womb, eyes wide open...

My two angels

18 September 2012 (Part 2)

Around 2:30am, on the way to hospital...

My mind was still running. I was focusing on the interval between one contraction and another... I was praying in my heart that everything will be fine and smooth... and was repeating the same quote that my yoga instructor says at the end of every session "It is my divine right to have a beautiful pregnancy and peaceful delivery".

Around 3:00am, in the labour room... 

Everything in the labour room were familiar yet strange to me. My contractions were still 10 minutes apart. An old mid-wife came in, inserted her fingers into my vagina and announced I was 3cm dilated, another 7cm more to go. Cool... if my pelvic opens in the pace of 1cm per hour, I have to wait until 10:00am!!!

Around 6:00am, still in the labour room...

My contractions were about 8 minutes apart, and I was 5cm dilated. The pain was already unbearable but I refused to any epidural. I only relied on entonox (or they called it "the laughing gas") and an pain killing injection into the muscle of my buttock. Still the pain was there... argh!!!

Around 7:00am, still in the labour room... in a mess...

My first layer water bag burst, everything below me was in a mess now. Contractions were more frequent, 5 minutes apart or even shorter? I was not sure anymore... I only knew it came more frequently and last longer each time. I was 8cm dilated. I saw everyone was getting ready to welcome the baby, so was I. I kept saying to her "Come on baby, let's do a quick one and you will see daddy mummy very soon..."

I was asked to turn side way so that my baby girl could go further down to the canal. I was also asked to "push" only when contractions came. And everything happened thereafter was fast forward, pushing, resting, pain... but surprisingly I didn't even scream once even when tears were running in my eyes.

Around 8:00am, finally...

With episiotomy by the the doctor and a final push, my baby girl was out... I could hear her loud cry. I was crying too. She was on my chest and I could feel her breathing, it was so amazing! This little baby has been with me for 39 weeks and she was then resting on my chest, looking at me!!!

I felt happy that Jo was with me all the time even he mentioned he couldn't bear to see the delivery process long before I deliver. He was holding my hand and kissing my forehead, supporting me and leading me through the entire process.

Today, I have no regrets in insisting a natural birth that is good for the baby and proud that I made it this time!! I feel grateful for all the supports that Jo has given me, and helping hands from my mum and sister. I would also like to say thank you to my little boy, who loves me and his newborn sister so much. 

18 September 2012 (Part 1)

A day that I will never forget, I marked it "Unforgettable" in my calendar and will celebrate it annually with joy and great memories. My baby girl was borne this day...

My EDD should be 24 September. Jo and I were hoping of no early delivery because we are expecting a Libra instead of Virgo. But my instinct told me she will be out any time soon because I can feel the contractions became more and more frequent. I was still working as usual, walking across the street to Pavilion for lunch with my colleagues, doing some last minute shopping for the house and hubby... Of course, I need to walk slower when the contraction came and back to normal when it released.

On 17 September, I took a longer shower than usual. I packed stuffs that I need to bring to hospital. I finished all house chores and items that were listed as Outstanding Task in my handphone. Somehow I could feel and know it, she is coming out... That night, I told Jo that I may deliver earlier and informed my mum to get ready to come over if I need to go hospital. 

When light was off and my two boys were sound asleep, I was thinking if there are anything I should have done before I deliver. My mind was running, and I was counting the interval between one contraction and another... 30 minutes... 20 minutes... 15 minutes... 

I got up from bed, took out the bag I packed earlier and changed myself. When the interval became as frequent as every 10 minutes, I woke Jo up...

"Dear, we need to go hospital now. I think I'm going to deliver..."

"Huh? Now?"

Again, Jo was as blur as the first time when I said the same thing to him 3 years ago. But this time was less drama... no shouting from toilet and no bleeding, haha!

Before we left the house, I got Jo to take a photo of myself...

39 weeks pregnant look

Chocolate almond cookie sticks

Baking time again!!! Yohoo~~~

I want to try something more 'classy' looking this time, something that makes people say "wow" when they see it. Of course, I receive this kind of reaction from Jayden every time I finished baking. But I hope to get it from adults because adults are normally harder to please than my all time favourite little fan at home.

Key word is again "chocolate" for my little fan. I decided to make him chocolate almond stick this time, something similar to Rocky or Pokka cookie stick. Looking at the recipe, I foresee it will take slightly longer time and more effort than before. I woke up early in this morning and started the preparation.

First, I have to knead the dough. Kneading is the killing part for me!!! First time kneading a dough, using my very own baking sense to judge whether the dough right for its intention, whether it is too wet or too dry, too rough or too smooth...

Then with the rolling pin I rolled it into a big flat square, cut it into 12cm x 0.5cm sticks, put it into the oven and bake for 10 - 12 minutes. And, we are done with the cookie sticks!! 

Now come the part that makes the whole thing more 'classy', ha... ha... We need to melt the chocolate bar into liquid form and get ready the almond rice for use later. Once the cookie sticks are well baked, dip it into the melted chocolate and sprinkle some almond rice on it. Set aside until the chocolate layer is formed and cooled. And done!!!

My classy looking chocolate almond cookie sticks!

My little lover

I see him everyday...
I can't help myself from hugging and kissing him...
I love to sleep besides him, with him holding my hands...

He sees me everyday...
He can't stop himself from asking me for hugs and kisses...
He loves to sleep beside me, with my hands in his hands...

I call him Jayden my son, he calls me mummy...

I like the way he looks at me before he goes to bed... lying quietly besides me, sharing the same pillow with me, and looking at me gently with a sweet smile on his face. He sometimes touches my face and moves away hair that covers my eyes. And I like the way he wakes me up in the morning. He will climb to our bed and give me a big hug from the back. Sometimes will climb over me and call me gently. If I choose to be naughty and pretend to continue sleeping, he will talk like an adult "stop being lazy pig, wakes up!!!"

People always say a son is a mother's lover from previous life, and a daughter is a father's lover from previous life. I finally understand what it means...

I'm now bearing a daughter, Jo's lover from his previous life......

Chocolate almond cupcake

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I never like muffin. But I always like cake. And I think something as small as muffin is easy to bake and easy for my consumers, so I started looking into cupcake. I got a book of cupcake recipes with more than 100 recipes. Jayden was attracted by the book when he saw it. He loves the book. Almost every night before we settled everything and went upstair, he would pick up the book and ask me about the recipe, one by one. Little that I know he was trying to understand each of them better so that he can choose the one he likes. At the end, he chosen chocolate hazel cupcake.

I have all the required ingredients except hazel nut powder. But I have almond, which was bought for chocolate almond stick, another order from Jayden. And I feel the texture will be very plain if I use powder instead of the real nuts. I decided to use almond.

Jayden was very excited when I announced "Mummy is going to make your chocolate almond cupcake!". He gave me a big hug and said 'Thank you mummy!' with a touching facial expression, so drama! Of course, he is still too young to differentiate between hazel nut and almond, or to remember what he ordered was actually chocolate hazel cupcake instead of chocolate almond cupcake. The key word for him is only CHOCOLATE! 

The preparation is quite similar to muffin and very easy. It took me less than an hour to complete everything, including baking. Jayden is always very helpful in kitchen stuffs and was with me all the time, witnessing every steps I took in realising his order from picture to real cupcake.  

Ingredient A

125g butter

100g brown sugar

2 eggs (beaten)

Ingredient B

130g plain flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tbsp chocolate powder

50g almond chips

Ingredient C 

60g chocolate chips

1. Beat butter and sugar of Ingredient (A) until smooth. Add in eggs slowly.

2. Mix in Ingredient (B), mix well.

3. Mix in Ingredient (C), mix well.

4. Spoon fill 3/4 of the paper cups.

5. Bake at 150 degree Celsius for 20-25mins 

6. Cool cakes

Remember to always preheat the oven before baking, and use your instinct to decide whether to bake longer or shorter than the given instructions. You can keep the cupcakes in room temperature (consume within 1 - 2 days) or in fridge. You get to taste the almond covered by melted chocolate chips if you keep it in room temperature, or the harden chocolate chips if you keep it in fridge. I like both.

Little grapes family

Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do... An octave of grapes, ha!

Cute little grapes family we found from the bag of grapes we bought from morning market. Jayden always picks the smaller grapes and leave the bigger grapes for us. He claims that baby should take baby grapes, daddy should take daddy grapes and mummy should take mummy grapes... What a cute idea!!

Ice cream puff

Jo came to me one day after his daily release session, with newspaper in his hand (ew...). 

"Dear, why don't you do this instead of muffin or cookies??"

I took a look, a recipe for ice cream / cream puff. This is something Jo likes. I kept it one side, but still toying the idea of baking chocolate almond stick for Jayden the coming weekend. Ever since I found myself pregnant and started experiencing morning sickness, my mood and momentum for baking has reduced. Now that my morning sickness is slowly fading away, I thought I should bake chocolate almond stick because it was something I wanted to do the most prior to all these. Most importantly, it was something I promised Jayden earlier. 

Come to Saturday night, I changed my mind. The ice cream puff is something much easier and less preparation needed compares to chocolate almond stick. While Jo and Jayden were washing my car, I thought I should bake some ice cream puff for them as a reward. 

My good looking puff, yeah~

Checking out the fridge, I have everything I need: butter, plain flour, water and eggs. I pre-heated my oven while cooking some of those items. Yes, we need to cook some of them and not just bake. There isn't much mixing or measurement involved. The whole process plus cooking prior to the oven is less than 30 minutes. Another 30 minutes for baking in the oven.

Puff smell spreading through the house... and it is really very easy to make! There is also recipe for ice cream in the same newspaper. But I keep the job easy. I just asked Jo to get those ready made ice cream from supermarket, and, we are done!!!

We have three flavours: chocolate ice cream puff, vanilla ice cream puff and strawberry ice cream puff. I personally prefer chocolate and vanilla. Yummy~~~

My first baking experience - Raisin Muffin

I never like muffin but my first attempt in baking starts with muffin. Well, I can explain this. It is actually a matter of convenient and easiness. It doesn't need perfect or accurate measurement or a mixer, and my friend claimed it is VERY EASY! I thought I should start with something that is VERY EASY to build up my confidence in baking... so... ya... let's start with muffin :)

I was very excited back then. I dragged both Jo and Jayden to the bakery shop to buy all the required ingredients. I may look I know a lot in front of Jo, but I was totally lost the moment I stepped into the bakery shop. It is a big bakery shop with not very helpful shopkeepers. And maybe they have too many pro-baker customers that they expect I am also one of them. I basically had to go round and round the shop just to find things and make sure what I found is what was listed in the recipe because I had no idea at all how those things look like. Still, I managed to get my shopping done, phew~

Next is the baking itself! It is actually VERY EASY, thank goodness!! It is just like one of the masak-masak time we had back then, mix everything and that's it! With most of the time spent on measuring all the ingredients, hand mixing itself only takes less than 20 minutes...

 

BEFORE: Just put it into the over. To decorate a bit, I put raisin and chocolate rice on top of each muffin.

 And in the oven for about 20 minutes...

AFTER: Ta~da~~~ Hot yummy raisin muffin.

It looks nice and taste nice too. As it is for own consumption, I have put in a lot of flax seeds and raisins. Jo and my mum complained too many raisins but Jayden finished the whole thing himself! Well, I just have to say I can't please everyone but I think it is a good try! Yeah!

My PilloPet

My PilloPet has been introduced to the market quite sometime ago. It is known for bringing smiles to faces of all ages, provide comfort by combining the security of a stuffed animal with the functionality of a pillow...... Well, it is just another soft toy to me, nothing special at all except for its expensiveness!

And guess what, I have two My PilloPets in the house now! Not that I have changed my perception nor I have become more generous to spend on not one but two another 'normal' soft toys... I got it for FREE!!! Yes, I got TWO My PilloPets for FREE!!! They are free gifts I got by procuring another stem cell storage program for my second one. And for those who don't know, yes, I'm pregnant! 

It is still another normal soft toy to me, but I think it meant something different to Jayden. He already has a few soft toys which he treats them as his sleeping mate. He will pick one of them before sleep every night. Each soft toy takes turn every night, Jayden sounds like those emperors during the ancient time... ha! Now, he has got a new sleeping mate, and a real big one!

One thing cute about My PilloPet is that it comes with a birth certificate, and some Fairy Agreements: 

1. I will love and care all the animals in the world

2. I will love and take care of My PilloPet

3. I will sleep with My PilloPet

4. I will bring My PilloPet along when I go t ravel or on a road trip

5. I will share my happiness and sadness with My PilloPet

Jo made Jayden swore and read out all these, and Jayden promised he will follow these agreements. Jayden is cracking his head to name his PilloPet, for which has to be filled up in the birth certificate. He named his elephant soft toy as Phant-Phant, penguine soft toy as Guine-Guine, so I expect him to call it PoPo because it is a Hippo PilloPet. And true enough, he wants to name it as PoPo but rejected by Jo. He then thought of calling it NiNi or DanDan... but all got rejected by Jo again, haha! 

Jayden with his PilloPet and PilloPet birth certificate