Papa,
I have never wrote you any letters, putting aside the birthday cards and father's day cards. And I believe I have never had so much to tell you.
I read a novel many years ago. I couldn't remember the story well, but I remember the part where the main character in the novel decided to write letters to her passed-away husband with the belief that all letters will be sent to her husband in heaven. I had this urge when you left us in sudden, but too bad, I couldn't remember the address to heaven...
I have never told anyone about my true feeling about your death. For some reasons, today, I have the urge to bring myself back to that day and to revisit the scene all over again. It may be painful and difficult, but please let me do it as I believe it is finally the time for me to release myself from the guilt I carried all these years. And you are the one who gave me this courage for doing so.
It was 1 May 1997, Thursday.
You and mum just had a small argument in the morning. I was in my room, trying to be focused on my coming History exam. I knew you were repairing the water tank between our house ceiling and roof as I could hear your movements. I had the urge to call you down. I hesitated. I had no reason to call you down except having weird and uncomfortable feeling for you to be up there. At the end, I didn't call you down. I afraid I might be scolded for calling you down for nothing.
Minutes later, phone rang....
"I'm looking for your papa, where is your papa?" A man said.
Before I could get you, I heard a loud sound coming from the master bedroom where you climbed up to the water tank.
"Sorry, I think something happened to my papa, may I know who are you?"
"......" There was the longest silence before he hung up without a word.
Strange feeling again! Who was that man? I could recognize almost all your friends' voice, except this. It was a new voice, I never heard before. He was rude, unlike any of your friends.
I went to the master bedroom. Mum was already with you, calling you repetitively... once, twice, many times. No response. I ran out the house to call for help from neighbors. Then I ran back home. I tried to do CPR while neighbors making calls for ambulance. That was what the TV series showed. I didn't expect things to be this bad, none of us did. I assumed you just went coma after a fall from the ceiling. That was also what the TV series showed. The height from floor to ceiling isn't dangerous, you should be ok. You are always healthy, so you should be ok. Everything should be ok.
"CPR done, why no response? Check breathing. Why no breathing? Anyone got the ambulance? Where is the ambulance? Doctor, yes we need doctor. Where is the doctor?"
I remembered myself mumbling all these repetitively until the doctor arrived. It was not ok. The back of your neck hit on something badly when you fall before you landed, and blood shoot up to your brain. You were dead probably soon after you landed. That explained why I couldn't detect your breath. But how could it be? I didn't understand and refused to understand. There were men standing outside our house, all from funeral services company. Still, no ambulance.
I started making calls. Called all relatives, called your closed friends. I remembered mum was sobbing, and sister too. I remembered sky turned dark and started raining. I had tears rolling in my eyes, but I kept it in my eyes all the time. I waited for relatives to come from outstation, I remembered it was the longest waiting time ever. I remembered I folded all the clean clothes, I ironed your clothes that mum asked me to iron the night before, I mop the room when your body was still lying on the floor... I tried to make the house as neat as I can, hoping mum would feel better. How silly I was. I scolded sister for crying outside the house. How wrong I was. And I blamed myself for ignoring my weird feeling, for being a coward, and for not having the courage to call you down before the accident took place......
Years after the accident, I always think you would be with us if I called you to stop repairing and come down. You would be with us if I didn't pick up the strange call. You would be with us if I listened to mum and ironed your clothes the night before. It was me should have and should have not done something so that you would be with us today. It was me who could stop but hesitated and decided not to stop the accident from taking place. This thinking has been following me and affecting some of my actions or the way I make decisions nowadays. I would keep the kitchen light on for fear that something bad would happen, hesitating of having third child for fear that something bad could happen to my existing children if I don't carry the third child... some looks irrational and hard to explain, but I couldn't risk myself for not taking certain actions if I have a feeling that by taking certain actions would prevent things from turning bad.
Years after the accident, I only dreamed of you few times. In my dream, I'm fully aware of your decease and you are always smiling but quiet. I have never managed to talk to you in the dream, or rather, you refuse to talk but just smile. We would go vacation together as usual... perhaps that is something I long for deep in my heart. And it was me who caused all this being impossible today.
I was not sure why I didn't or couldn't cry hard when you left. I was not sure whether I was considered filial. When times are bad and things are not smooth, when I am down and lost, when emotions just come and I just miss you so much, I realized what makes me cry really hard and choked is the fact that I "couldn't" call you papa anymore. And all memories of you being around would flash out one by one in front of me, and I would feel that I could smell your essence.
And after so many years, you finally came into my dream again last night. This time is different. In my dream, we hug like I am still your little girl. We talk, play and laugh like what we used to be at the playground near our house last time. In my dream, you are still alive and have never left us before. I felt very light after I awoke, I never have such feeling before. I kept rewinding and replaying the dream again and again in my mind, to make sure I capture and remember every single details of you in the dream last night. I still cry, but I feel relief as I cry...
Papa, I want to thank you for bringing me to this world (together with mum), for showing me the world as much as you can when you are with us. I want to thank you for sending me to school in the morning when I was late, and not telling me the answers for my homework but leading me to think. I want to thank you for telling us the reasons you angry with us after we were punished as I learned from you and apply it to my kids now.
There is a saying "Do not give fishes to a beggar, but teach a beggar how to fish". That is the kind of father you are. 17 years of guidance and love from you is enough to furnish what I need in life. I believe it is because of you, I can stay as strong and optimistic as I'm today. Thanks for coming to me!
Your daughter,
Ying
I have never wrote you any letters, putting aside the birthday cards and father's day cards. And I believe I have never had so much to tell you.
I read a novel many years ago. I couldn't remember the story well, but I remember the part where the main character in the novel decided to write letters to her passed-away husband with the belief that all letters will be sent to her husband in heaven. I had this urge when you left us in sudden, but too bad, I couldn't remember the address to heaven...
I have never told anyone about my true feeling about your death. For some reasons, today, I have the urge to bring myself back to that day and to revisit the scene all over again. It may be painful and difficult, but please let me do it as I believe it is finally the time for me to release myself from the guilt I carried all these years. And you are the one who gave me this courage for doing so.
******
You and mum just had a small argument in the morning. I was in my room, trying to be focused on my coming History exam. I knew you were repairing the water tank between our house ceiling and roof as I could hear your movements. I had the urge to call you down. I hesitated. I had no reason to call you down except having weird and uncomfortable feeling for you to be up there. At the end, I didn't call you down. I afraid I might be scolded for calling you down for nothing.
Minutes later, phone rang....
"I'm looking for your papa, where is your papa?" A man said.
Before I could get you, I heard a loud sound coming from the master bedroom where you climbed up to the water tank.
"Sorry, I think something happened to my papa, may I know who are you?"
"......" There was the longest silence before he hung up without a word.
Strange feeling again! Who was that man? I could recognize almost all your friends' voice, except this. It was a new voice, I never heard before. He was rude, unlike any of your friends.
I went to the master bedroom. Mum was already with you, calling you repetitively... once, twice, many times. No response. I ran out the house to call for help from neighbors. Then I ran back home. I tried to do CPR while neighbors making calls for ambulance. That was what the TV series showed. I didn't expect things to be this bad, none of us did. I assumed you just went coma after a fall from the ceiling. That was also what the TV series showed. The height from floor to ceiling isn't dangerous, you should be ok. You are always healthy, so you should be ok. Everything should be ok.
"CPR done, why no response? Check breathing. Why no breathing? Anyone got the ambulance? Where is the ambulance? Doctor, yes we need doctor. Where is the doctor?"
I remembered myself mumbling all these repetitively until the doctor arrived. It was not ok. The back of your neck hit on something badly when you fall before you landed, and blood shoot up to your brain. You were dead probably soon after you landed. That explained why I couldn't detect your breath. But how could it be? I didn't understand and refused to understand. There were men standing outside our house, all from funeral services company. Still, no ambulance.
I started making calls. Called all relatives, called your closed friends. I remembered mum was sobbing, and sister too. I remembered sky turned dark and started raining. I had tears rolling in my eyes, but I kept it in my eyes all the time. I waited for relatives to come from outstation, I remembered it was the longest waiting time ever. I remembered I folded all the clean clothes, I ironed your clothes that mum asked me to iron the night before, I mop the room when your body was still lying on the floor... I tried to make the house as neat as I can, hoping mum would feel better. How silly I was. I scolded sister for crying outside the house. How wrong I was. And I blamed myself for ignoring my weird feeling, for being a coward, and for not having the courage to call you down before the accident took place......
******
Years after the accident, I only dreamed of you few times. In my dream, I'm fully aware of your decease and you are always smiling but quiet. I have never managed to talk to you in the dream, or rather, you refuse to talk but just smile. We would go vacation together as usual... perhaps that is something I long for deep in my heart. And it was me who caused all this being impossible today.
I was not sure why I didn't or couldn't cry hard when you left. I was not sure whether I was considered filial. When times are bad and things are not smooth, when I am down and lost, when emotions just come and I just miss you so much, I realized what makes me cry really hard and choked is the fact that I "couldn't" call you papa anymore. And all memories of you being around would flash out one by one in front of me, and I would feel that I could smell your essence.
And after so many years, you finally came into my dream again last night. This time is different. In my dream, we hug like I am still your little girl. We talk, play and laugh like what we used to be at the playground near our house last time. In my dream, you are still alive and have never left us before. I felt very light after I awoke, I never have such feeling before. I kept rewinding and replaying the dream again and again in my mind, to make sure I capture and remember every single details of you in the dream last night. I still cry, but I feel relief as I cry...
Papa, I want to thank you for bringing me to this world (together with mum), for showing me the world as much as you can when you are with us. I want to thank you for sending me to school in the morning when I was late, and not telling me the answers for my homework but leading me to think. I want to thank you for telling us the reasons you angry with us after we were punished as I learned from you and apply it to my kids now.
There is a saying "Do not give fishes to a beggar, but teach a beggar how to fish". That is the kind of father you are. 17 years of guidance and love from you is enough to furnish what I need in life. I believe it is because of you, I can stay as strong and optimistic as I'm today. Thanks for coming to me!
Your daughter,
Ying
